Hey you, thanks for the note below - I wish I could explain to you how much your words really help me. You seem to have this belief in me that I can't find in myself, I wish I could, I'm sure this is the key to my self fulfilment, and dare I say possible happiness with myself.

You say not to blame myself for what has happened, but who else is there to blame? If I had been enough of a person / man / husband to Lesa she would not have felt the need to invest herself in someone else. The same is true for Tracey, if only I could have seen myself as she saw me during those last couple of years together - selfish, uninteresting, far to focused on my sport to pay attention to the fact that my marriage was in a dismal state. I always believed we were ok - I know we had our problems but I thought that was the result of being married and having children. I forgot the basics of a relationship - I forgot to show my wife that I loved her, cherished her, there was no-one above her - I just took it for granted that she knew these things, I didn't have to say the words.

The worst thing is how do I know I won't do it again? How do I know I won't fall into the same trap, get into that state of contentment where I believe I am the best thing in someone's life and they won't walk away no matter what I do - how fucking arrogant is that, how bloody selfish?

You are right - writing the words down helps. Although they always seem to be directed in your direction. You shouldn't have to take the brunt of my inadequacies, god knows you have enough on your plate with your two fantastic children, guy and your family - as well as the house and planning to go back to work. I've decided today that the words will be put on a blog on the net instead. I intend to try and use it as some kind of diary (maybe even write a book one day!!!). What I really hope is that if it's there in years to come I can show the children if and when they have issues of their own to over come. I don't know if that's a healthy thing or not!

I think the thing really is that I am scared to look inside myself, scared of the fact I don't really like what I see. I find myself trying to run away from it on so many levels. How do other people end up affecting us so much?

The mountain - by the way - I climbed it for Tracey, our relationship and for our children. I have a bigger one to climb now and it daunts the living hell out of me. Everest is nothing!! Is this the right way to see what I am facing in the future - an insurmountable object that you wouldn't (in a stable state of mind), even contemplate normally? How do you tackle that? Oh I know what the psychologist would say 'break it into small chunks that you know are achievable - small steps - overcome one obstacle at a time'.

The thing is how do you know what is on the other side of the mountain - you hope for paradise, you have a vision of Eden, the lost valley of hope and happiness, a green field full of spring wildflowers that no-one else knows about where you can lay down with your true love (well the next one anyway(lol)), and know that the future is secure - but we will never know that will we!

Some people treat life as an adventure, some as a task others as just plain hard work that we have to struggle through day after day until the grim reaper takes them - you can hear their final words 'See I bloody told you it was all worthless'. I have glimpses of my childhood - I remember life being a adventure, then after Lesa it became a task - now it's like dragging myself through treacle. I want the adventure back, I want to look forward to every day. I am sick of not wanting to go to bed at night because the thoughts return, and with them the feelings. Regret is the worst feeling of all.

I know things will get better, I know I need to take control of my destiny. I have, however lost the road, I need to find it - stick my thumb out and see what happens.

I need to live again, not through others - please god that I never try and inflict that on my children. I need to live for me, to show them that life is a wonderful, exciting, adventurous place where anything is possible.

Thanks you, I mean it from the bottom of my heart.