Friday 7th December

Nearly 3pm here, and I'm Sitting in office pondering the meaning of everything (again). Not quite sure if this is normality following what I have been through but I certainly don't like it. I have been talking to a friend (ex-lover), via e-mail about the way things are at present, and I've posted a section of my correspodance to her below.

I want to move on, I need to move on - but I need to be me to be able to do
> it, and not make the same mistakes as before and do it in the wrong way.
> You did see the real me a few times, in the car after The Walnut Tree
> Shades that night. In your house when we were just laughing and dancing - I
> want to be that way forever. I want to be the man I know I can be without
> feeling that I need to hold back and be selfish so that I don't get hurt
> again. But I guess I need to accept that sometimes hurt, pain, anger, the
> feelings of blackness are as much a part of me as the humour, laughter,
> happiness and spirit of adventure. I just need to know how to handle them
> so that I don't become a slave to them - rather a master of them.

And a small piece of her reply

You write so well, as I said before. Dont you
find just writing it all down and letting it all helps figure things out
and release the tension/ Its therapy in itself. Maybe you need to write
some more, even write to Tracey, even if you never post it. I'm really
glad you are going to try for a referral to s counsellor, its so
helpful. its hard work but so cleansing and helps sort you out, so is
powerful too. i think otherwise you will just go on with different
pockets of hurt in you, and fear of making mistakes. Remember though it
wont all have been you, it really isnt that way, and I genuinely think
you are probably too hard on yourself.

I guess she's right putting it all down is cathartic. It allows me to think as I'm writing - however what I need to do is get out of the habit that I am writing this for someone to read - what I need to do is write it for me as a reminder of everything.

I had a excellent trip in on the train this morning - although it was some 80mins late!! We had such a laugh myself, Lynn and Gerry - I cried with laughter, giggled made a fool of myself for the benefit of others, but enjoyed doing it. Laughter is such a powerful emotion, in some ways it's almost like a drug. The trouble was I felt an almost feeling of 'coming down' towards the end of the trip. The fun had tired me out, I felt as if I was totally worn out - then my mother phoned, she had a letter from my solicitor about the divorce. That truly slammed me into the floor with enormous force bring back all the painful issues again - I could almost see the blackness before me, opening up to pull me in. I really need to be able to face these situations with more force. Accept that it will happen but learn to control evrything and not cave into the feelings. I need to be the master of my destiny, not a slave to the highs and lows. I guess it will come - it's a time and control thing.