Christmas Eve

It's been a while since my last entry, well 2 weeks to be exact! and a lot of things have happened. Meet Leza, no point - to far away and to young. Drank far to much, believe me how easy it would have been to slip into old ways - and for a couple of days I did, knowing I'd had enough but drinking more anyway. But then it doesn't get rid of the blackness, in fact it makes it worse - oh it makes it easier to go to sleep but then you wake up even more tired because the sleep is poor.

Walked in Tesco a couple of weekends ago and straight in Tracey and her new boyfriend. Then I felt it despair busting into pain, regret exploding into anger, loneliness turning into jealously - oh I wanted to kill this guy, wanted to tear him apart, wanted to see so much the look of fear on his face, wanted him to know exactly how I felt. But then is it his fault, all he's done is meet someone who happens to be my wife, mother of my children, the woman who is trying to squeeze everything from me. Is it her fault, she felt unloved by me, made the decision to move on with her life wanting to find someone to love her back - no at the end of it all it's my fault. But how do you turn blame back in on yourself - simply you don't, you can't or else you self destruct. No the anger has to be vented to someone else, or something else.

Saturday this week - financial statement from her solicitor, oh she wants the lot - expects me to sign the house over to her. Like fuck, she wants a battle, then she'll get one. Expects to move her boyfriend in and live off me then they can both think again. It's time to fight fire with fire.

Spent most of the day yesterday with Siobhan. Ex-lover, now friend - I couldn't stop the blackness and tears again. She comforted me, told me she was there for me, would help me through every step of the way. She's been through it so having the other side of the argument will help. But I can't keep leaning on people, can keep telling them my problems and feelings - I'll just end up dragging everyone down to my level of despair.

Christmas eve today - 12 years since Tracey and I first meet. A pub in Norwich, me out with mate (drunk), her with sister and cousins. I remember kissing her at the bar - I remember waking up the next morning in a state. Couldn't remember exactly what had happened, then it started coming back to me. This beautiful woman that I had been kissing, and talking to - now she shares those lips with someone else!!

12 years, 2 children, 3 houses, countless cars, 3 or 4 motorbikes, holidays, friends, dinners, drinks, cuddles, making love, going to sleep with our noses touching. Remembering being needed - now no more. Destination ?????