It's been a while since my last entry, well 2 weeks to be exact! and a lot of things have happened. Meet Leza, no point - to far away and to young. Drank far to much, believe me how easy it would have been to slip into old ways - and for a couple of days I did, knowing I'd had enough but drinking more anyway. But then it doesn't get rid of the blackness, in fact it makes it worse - oh it makes it easier to go to sleep but then you wake up even more tired because the sleep is poor.
Walked in Tesco a couple of weekends ago and straight in Tracey and her new boyfriend. Then I felt it despair busting into pain, regret exploding into anger, loneliness turning into jealously - oh I wanted to kill this guy, wanted to tear him apart, wanted to see so much the look of fear on his face, wanted him to know exactly how I felt. But then is it his fault, all he's done is meet someone who happens to be my wife, mother of my children, the woman who is trying to squeeze everything from me. Is it her fault, she felt unloved by me, made the decision to move on with her life wanting to find someone to love her back - no at the end of it all it's my fault. But how do you turn blame back in on yourself - simply you don't, you can't or else you self destruct. No the anger has to be vented to someone else, or something else.
Saturday this week - financial statement from her solicitor, oh she wants the lot - expects me to sign the house over to her. Like fuck, she wants a battle, then she'll get one. Expects to move her boyfriend in and live off me then they can both think again. It's time to fight fire with fire.
Spent most of the day yesterday with Siobhan. Ex-lover, now friend - I couldn't stop the blackness and tears again. She comforted me, told me she was there for me, would help me through every step of the way. She's been through it so having the other side of the argument will help. But I can't keep leaning on people, can keep telling them my problems and feelings - I'll just end up dragging everyone down to my level of despair.
Christmas eve today - 12 years since Tracey and I first meet. A pub in Norwich, me out with mate (drunk), her with sister and cousins. I remember kissing her at the bar - I remember waking up the next morning in a state. Couldn't remember exactly what had happened, then it started coming back to me. This beautiful woman that I had been kissing, and talking to - now she shares those lips with someone else!!
12 years, 2 children, 3 houses, countless cars, 3 or 4 motorbikes, holidays, friends, dinners, drinks, cuddles, making love, going to sleep with our noses touching. Remembering being needed - now no more. Destination ?????
Monday 24 December 2007
Monday 10 December 2007
Another Week starts
So it's Monday. My children went again this morning after our normal weekend together. I dropped them off at school,walked both to their classrooms to make sure they were happy and settled. The normal mum's doing their thing - the same as me, Traceys friends - not looking, avoiding talking - maybe it's in my head - maybe I don't blame them.
What have they been told by my ex-wife, the thoughts haunt me but why should they. I have no need for these women, they mean nothing to me, they do not have a direct affect on my world or what I do within it. But there it is, banging on the inside of my brain 'they all think you are a loser, that's what she's told them!!', 'they have all laughed together about your sexual prowess, had a real giggle over it - no wonder they smile when they see you - it's pity'. Ok these women are not thinking any of these things, and if they are what can I do about it - you just smile, say hello, pretend everything is great and wander off. More thoughts you don't want or need floating around - ready to pop up when you are at either a high or low point - bringing you back to earth with a heavy slap.
Home again, working. I force myself into the children's room. Look at their empty beds, and the empty room - devoid of life until the weekend roles around again. God I miss them so much, it's like a fist gripping my insides squeezing until it forces the tears from my eyes, it's a normal Monday morning reaction. I cry until I tell myself to pull it together. Knowing that my actions have ripped apart lives that I can't even possibly start to put right. How will it affect my son and daughter in the years to come, how has it affected Tracey, how is it / will it continue to affect me? 4 lives - my responsibility, the weight on my shoulders, the thoughts in my head. Easier if I wasn't here - maybe, I've had those thoughts in the blackest of moments. Everyone will forget me in time, the children are young enough they'll survive. But in the end I am the coward who can't pull myself into doing it, maybe if it was the first time again - with Lesa when she left. The drink took over then, too much drink. Waking in the morning reaching for a bottle or a can. Hoping to drown it out - those voices again calling out to me - 'you're not good enough, never have been, never will be - doesn't matter how hard you try you'll never be a person that anyone will want'.
Where does it stem from - who knows? I guess we have to look back to childhood. An absent father - oh not through divorce, no he was always away working and when he was home he didn't want to be with me - no the golf course, or the pub. I was never good enough for my father - he always wanted to be somewhere else, not with me. I suppose the loneliness started there - withdrawing. I guess the selfishness started there as well, the sulks, the tantrums, the destruction - anything to gain his attention - even when he was angry at me, at least he was directing himself to me.
My mother, well I can never remember her saying she loved me. Oh I'm sure she did, but for some reason my memory has blocked it all out - why has my head done that? Why would I think such a thing, unless of course it's true. At least she was around, well for the most part.
I looked again at those beds which the children had been sleeping in not a few hours earlier. I remember the warmth of the blankets as I made the beds after they got up, the warmth of those bodies, so much to experience, so much to touch, taste, hear, see and smell - I hope to god that what I have done will never taint those senses. I want them to see the world with new awe everyday - not be sceptical and closed about it.
What have they been told by my ex-wife, the thoughts haunt me but why should they. I have no need for these women, they mean nothing to me, they do not have a direct affect on my world or what I do within it. But there it is, banging on the inside of my brain 'they all think you are a loser, that's what she's told them!!', 'they have all laughed together about your sexual prowess, had a real giggle over it - no wonder they smile when they see you - it's pity'. Ok these women are not thinking any of these things, and if they are what can I do about it - you just smile, say hello, pretend everything is great and wander off. More thoughts you don't want or need floating around - ready to pop up when you are at either a high or low point - bringing you back to earth with a heavy slap.
Home again, working. I force myself into the children's room. Look at their empty beds, and the empty room - devoid of life until the weekend roles around again. God I miss them so much, it's like a fist gripping my insides squeezing until it forces the tears from my eyes, it's a normal Monday morning reaction. I cry until I tell myself to pull it together. Knowing that my actions have ripped apart lives that I can't even possibly start to put right. How will it affect my son and daughter in the years to come, how has it affected Tracey, how is it / will it continue to affect me? 4 lives - my responsibility, the weight on my shoulders, the thoughts in my head. Easier if I wasn't here - maybe, I've had those thoughts in the blackest of moments. Everyone will forget me in time, the children are young enough they'll survive. But in the end I am the coward who can't pull myself into doing it, maybe if it was the first time again - with Lesa when she left. The drink took over then, too much drink. Waking in the morning reaching for a bottle or a can. Hoping to drown it out - those voices again calling out to me - 'you're not good enough, never have been, never will be - doesn't matter how hard you try you'll never be a person that anyone will want'.
Where does it stem from - who knows? I guess we have to look back to childhood. An absent father - oh not through divorce, no he was always away working and when he was home he didn't want to be with me - no the golf course, or the pub. I was never good enough for my father - he always wanted to be somewhere else, not with me. I suppose the loneliness started there - withdrawing. I guess the selfishness started there as well, the sulks, the tantrums, the destruction - anything to gain his attention - even when he was angry at me, at least he was directing himself to me.
My mother, well I can never remember her saying she loved me. Oh I'm sure she did, but for some reason my memory has blocked it all out - why has my head done that? Why would I think such a thing, unless of course it's true. At least she was around, well for the most part.
I looked again at those beds which the children had been sleeping in not a few hours earlier. I remember the warmth of the blankets as I made the beds after they got up, the warmth of those bodies, so much to experience, so much to touch, taste, hear, see and smell - I hope to god that what I have done will never taint those senses. I want them to see the world with new awe everyday - not be sceptical and closed about it.
Regret - a hopeless Feeling.
Regret – it is such a hopeless feeling.
Words taken from ‘Fragile Edge – lost on Everest’ Maria Coffey.
Some combination of word’s evoke the meaning of your life at that moment in time. Reading the above book written by the lover of a man who lost his life trying to reach the summit of the biggest mountain in the world via a difficult route, these words presented themselves on a page. She is retracing his last steps and aiming for the advance base camp to see the last place her true love was seen.
Regret is a hopeless feeling. You can’t stop it reaching into your conscious mind and starting to destroy however you are feeling at that time. It starts of so innocently, a distant memory recaptured, the though of a loving embrace for the person you are missing, remembering the good times you had together. Then regret strikes, winding around all your thoughts like an unravelling boa constrictor. Regret that you won’t be there together in the future to capture those moments again together. Knowing that those future memories - yet to be created - will be between your past lover, friend, partner and someone else.
True you will, in time, create these feelings with someone else yourself, but that doesn’t stop the regret closing in. And from regret the other feelings of hopelessness start to arise – pain, anger, frustration, self pity, the loneliness of missing someone you have been with for a lot of years. All of these emotions come together to drag you into a dark void of nothingness.
Words taken from ‘Fragile Edge – lost on Everest’ Maria Coffey.
Some combination of word’s evoke the meaning of your life at that moment in time. Reading the above book written by the lover of a man who lost his life trying to reach the summit of the biggest mountain in the world via a difficult route, these words presented themselves on a page. She is retracing his last steps and aiming for the advance base camp to see the last place her true love was seen.
Regret is a hopeless feeling. You can’t stop it reaching into your conscious mind and starting to destroy however you are feeling at that time. It starts of so innocently, a distant memory recaptured, the though of a loving embrace for the person you are missing, remembering the good times you had together. Then regret strikes, winding around all your thoughts like an unravelling boa constrictor. Regret that you won’t be there together in the future to capture those moments again together. Knowing that those future memories - yet to be created - will be between your past lover, friend, partner and someone else.
True you will, in time, create these feelings with someone else yourself, but that doesn’t stop the regret closing in. And from regret the other feelings of hopelessness start to arise – pain, anger, frustration, self pity, the loneliness of missing someone you have been with for a lot of years. All of these emotions come together to drag you into a dark void of nothingness.
Friday 7 December 2007
Hey you, thanks for the note below - I wish I could explain to you how much your words really help me. You seem to have this belief in me that I can't find in myself, I wish I could, I'm sure this is the key to my self fulfilment, and dare I say possible happiness with myself.
You say not to blame myself for what has happened, but who else is there to blame? If I had been enough of a person / man / husband to Lesa she would not have felt the need to invest herself in someone else. The same is true for Tracey, if only I could have seen myself as she saw me during those last couple of years together - selfish, uninteresting, far to focused on my sport to pay attention to the fact that my marriage was in a dismal state. I always believed we were ok - I know we had our problems but I thought that was the result of being married and having children. I forgot the basics of a relationship - I forgot to show my wife that I loved her, cherished her, there was no-one above her - I just took it for granted that she knew these things, I didn't have to say the words.
The worst thing is how do I know I won't do it again? How do I know I won't fall into the same trap, get into that state of contentment where I believe I am the best thing in someone's life and they won't walk away no matter what I do - how fucking arrogant is that, how bloody selfish?
You are right - writing the words down helps. Although they always seem to be directed in your direction. You shouldn't have to take the brunt of my inadequacies, god knows you have enough on your plate with your two fantastic children, guy and your family - as well as the house and planning to go back to work. I've decided today that the words will be put on a blog on the net instead. I intend to try and use it as some kind of diary (maybe even write a book one day!!!). What I really hope is that if it's there in years to come I can show the children if and when they have issues of their own to over come. I don't know if that's a healthy thing or not!
I think the thing really is that I am scared to look inside myself, scared of the fact I don't really like what I see. I find myself trying to run away from it on so many levels. How do other people end up affecting us so much?
The mountain - by the way - I climbed it for Tracey, our relationship and for our children. I have a bigger one to climb now and it daunts the living hell out of me. Everest is nothing!! Is this the right way to see what I am facing in the future - an insurmountable object that you wouldn't (in a stable state of mind), even contemplate normally? How do you tackle that? Oh I know what the psychologist would say 'break it into small chunks that you know are achievable - small steps - overcome one obstacle at a time'.
The thing is how do you know what is on the other side of the mountain - you hope for paradise, you have a vision of Eden, the lost valley of hope and happiness, a green field full of spring wildflowers that no-one else knows about where you can lay down with your true love (well the next one anyway(lol)), and know that the future is secure - but we will never know that will we!
Some people treat life as an adventure, some as a task others as just plain hard work that we have to struggle through day after day until the grim reaper takes them - you can hear their final words 'See I bloody told you it was all worthless'. I have glimpses of my childhood - I remember life being a adventure, then after Lesa it became a task - now it's like dragging myself through treacle. I want the adventure back, I want to look forward to every day. I am sick of not wanting to go to bed at night because the thoughts return, and with them the feelings. Regret is the worst feeling of all.
I know things will get better, I know I need to take control of my destiny. I have, however lost the road, I need to find it - stick my thumb out and see what happens.
I need to live again, not through others - please god that I never try and inflict that on my children. I need to live for me, to show them that life is a wonderful, exciting, adventurous place where anything is possible.
Thanks you, I mean it from the bottom of my heart.
You say not to blame myself for what has happened, but who else is there to blame? If I had been enough of a person / man / husband to Lesa she would not have felt the need to invest herself in someone else. The same is true for Tracey, if only I could have seen myself as she saw me during those last couple of years together - selfish, uninteresting, far to focused on my sport to pay attention to the fact that my marriage was in a dismal state. I always believed we were ok - I know we had our problems but I thought that was the result of being married and having children. I forgot the basics of a relationship - I forgot to show my wife that I loved her, cherished her, there was no-one above her - I just took it for granted that she knew these things, I didn't have to say the words.
The worst thing is how do I know I won't do it again? How do I know I won't fall into the same trap, get into that state of contentment where I believe I am the best thing in someone's life and they won't walk away no matter what I do - how fucking arrogant is that, how bloody selfish?
You are right - writing the words down helps. Although they always seem to be directed in your direction. You shouldn't have to take the brunt of my inadequacies, god knows you have enough on your plate with your two fantastic children, guy and your family - as well as the house and planning to go back to work. I've decided today that the words will be put on a blog on the net instead. I intend to try and use it as some kind of diary (maybe even write a book one day!!!). What I really hope is that if it's there in years to come I can show the children if and when they have issues of their own to over come. I don't know if that's a healthy thing or not!
I think the thing really is that I am scared to look inside myself, scared of the fact I don't really like what I see. I find myself trying to run away from it on so many levels. How do other people end up affecting us so much?
The mountain - by the way - I climbed it for Tracey, our relationship and for our children. I have a bigger one to climb now and it daunts the living hell out of me. Everest is nothing!! Is this the right way to see what I am facing in the future - an insurmountable object that you wouldn't (in a stable state of mind), even contemplate normally? How do you tackle that? Oh I know what the psychologist would say 'break it into small chunks that you know are achievable - small steps - overcome one obstacle at a time'.
The thing is how do you know what is on the other side of the mountain - you hope for paradise, you have a vision of Eden, the lost valley of hope and happiness, a green field full of spring wildflowers that no-one else knows about where you can lay down with your true love (well the next one anyway(lol)), and know that the future is secure - but we will never know that will we!
Some people treat life as an adventure, some as a task others as just plain hard work that we have to struggle through day after day until the grim reaper takes them - you can hear their final words 'See I bloody told you it was all worthless'. I have glimpses of my childhood - I remember life being a adventure, then after Lesa it became a task - now it's like dragging myself through treacle. I want the adventure back, I want to look forward to every day. I am sick of not wanting to go to bed at night because the thoughts return, and with them the feelings. Regret is the worst feeling of all.
I know things will get better, I know I need to take control of my destiny. I have, however lost the road, I need to find it - stick my thumb out and see what happens.
I need to live again, not through others - please god that I never try and inflict that on my children. I need to live for me, to show them that life is a wonderful, exciting, adventurous place where anything is possible.
Thanks you, I mean it from the bottom of my heart.
Friday 7th December
Nearly 3pm here, and I'm Sitting in office pondering the meaning of everything (again). Not quite sure if this is normality following what I have been through but I certainly don't like it. I have been talking to a friend (ex-lover), via e-mail about the way things are at present, and I've posted a section of my correspodance to her below.
I want to move on, I need to move on - but I need to be me to be able to do
> it, and not make the same mistakes as before and do it in the wrong way.
> You did see the real me a few times, in the car after The Walnut Tree
> Shades that night. In your house when we were just laughing and dancing - I
> want to be that way forever. I want to be the man I know I can be without
> feeling that I need to hold back and be selfish so that I don't get hurt
> again. But I guess I need to accept that sometimes hurt, pain, anger, the
> feelings of blackness are as much a part of me as the humour, laughter,
> happiness and spirit of adventure. I just need to know how to handle them
> so that I don't become a slave to them - rather a master of them.
And a small piece of her reply
You write so well, as I said before. Dont you
find just writing it all down and letting it all helps figure things out
and release the tension/ Its therapy in itself. Maybe you need to write
some more, even write to Tracey, even if you never post it. I'm really
glad you are going to try for a referral to s counsellor, its so
helpful. its hard work but so cleansing and helps sort you out, so is
powerful too. i think otherwise you will just go on with different
pockets of hurt in you, and fear of making mistakes. Remember though it
wont all have been you, it really isnt that way, and I genuinely think
you are probably too hard on yourself.
I guess she's right putting it all down is cathartic. It allows me to think as I'm writing - however what I need to do is get out of the habit that I am writing this for someone to read - what I need to do is write it for me as a reminder of everything.
I had a excellent trip in on the train this morning - although it was some 80mins late!! We had such a laugh myself, Lynn and Gerry - I cried with laughter, giggled made a fool of myself for the benefit of others, but enjoyed doing it. Laughter is such a powerful emotion, in some ways it's almost like a drug. The trouble was I felt an almost feeling of 'coming down' towards the end of the trip. The fun had tired me out, I felt as if I was totally worn out - then my mother phoned, she had a letter from my solicitor about the divorce. That truly slammed me into the floor with enormous force bring back all the painful issues again - I could almost see the blackness before me, opening up to pull me in. I really need to be able to face these situations with more force. Accept that it will happen but learn to control evrything and not cave into the feelings. I need to be the master of my destiny, not a slave to the highs and lows. I guess it will come - it's a time and control thing.
I want to move on, I need to move on - but I need to be me to be able to do
> it, and not make the same mistakes as before and do it in the wrong way.
> You did see the real me a few times, in the car after The Walnut Tree
> Shades that night. In your house when we were just laughing and dancing - I
> want to be that way forever. I want to be the man I know I can be without
> feeling that I need to hold back and be selfish so that I don't get hurt
> again. But I guess I need to accept that sometimes hurt, pain, anger, the
> feelings of blackness are as much a part of me as the humour, laughter,
> happiness and spirit of adventure. I just need to know how to handle them
> so that I don't become a slave to them - rather a master of them.
And a small piece of her reply
You write so well, as I said before. Dont you
find just writing it all down and letting it all helps figure things out
and release the tension/ Its therapy in itself. Maybe you need to write
some more, even write to Tracey, even if you never post it. I'm really
glad you are going to try for a referral to s counsellor, its so
helpful. its hard work but so cleansing and helps sort you out, so is
powerful too. i think otherwise you will just go on with different
pockets of hurt in you, and fear of making mistakes. Remember though it
wont all have been you, it really isnt that way, and I genuinely think
you are probably too hard on yourself.
I guess she's right putting it all down is cathartic. It allows me to think as I'm writing - however what I need to do is get out of the habit that I am writing this for someone to read - what I need to do is write it for me as a reminder of everything.
I had a excellent trip in on the train this morning - although it was some 80mins late!! We had such a laugh myself, Lynn and Gerry - I cried with laughter, giggled made a fool of myself for the benefit of others, but enjoyed doing it. Laughter is such a powerful emotion, in some ways it's almost like a drug. The trouble was I felt an almost feeling of 'coming down' towards the end of the trip. The fun had tired me out, I felt as if I was totally worn out - then my mother phoned, she had a letter from my solicitor about the divorce. That truly slammed me into the floor with enormous force bring back all the painful issues again - I could almost see the blackness before me, opening up to pull me in. I really need to be able to face these situations with more force. Accept that it will happen but learn to control evrything and not cave into the feelings. I need to be the master of my destiny, not a slave to the highs and lows. I guess it will come - it's a time and control thing.
Wednesday 5 December 2007
The start of something different
Don't know why I'm starting this now - I suppose I'm looking for some means of cleansing my soul and trying to put down in words my life. I hope it'll be seen by my children in years to come and maybe explain what happened between my ex-wife and myself and the intervening years.
Life is difficult at the moment, my marriage disintegrated earlier on this year - and maybe I should have started putting my feelings down then. However it is only now that I think I need to start the cleansing process.I intend to try and outline what's happened this year so far and then try and update the blog everyday when I am able.
I have some very different emotions running through me constantly, from hope to dispare, from anger to serenity, from so looking forward to the future to needing the comfort of the past. Someone recently told me I had a poetic soul, I have never though of myself that way - selfish, solitary, difficult yes, but then I guess it's always good to get a different viewpoint.
Life is difficult at the moment, my marriage disintegrated earlier on this year - and maybe I should have started putting my feelings down then. However it is only now that I think I need to start the cleansing process.I intend to try and outline what's happened this year so far and then try and update the blog everyday when I am able.
I have some very different emotions running through me constantly, from hope to dispare, from anger to serenity, from so looking forward to the future to needing the comfort of the past. Someone recently told me I had a poetic soul, I have never though of myself that way - selfish, solitary, difficult yes, but then I guess it's always good to get a different viewpoint.
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